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25 October 2010 @ 08:19 pm
My father.....  
I have never met my father. My mother left him before I was even born I think. I was never allowed to see him when he tried to contact us. There was some talk that he was planning to run away with me to Mexico so it is understandable. The last time he tried to see me I was 12. My mother didn't even tell me until years later.

Now I am 36. I have thought over the years about looking for him and getting to know that side of my family, but for one reason or another never have. He was into partying I think, drugs too maybe. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted that influence in my life. I always figured that I could maybe watch from afar...meet him without letting him know I was his daughter. I've checked things on the internet, but never found anything concrete.

This past August I was vacationing on the Oregon Coast with some of my family and my cousin and I got to talking. My father came up somehow (I don't remember how) and it got me curious so once I got home I started looking him up again. This time I found something.

An obituary.

It seems he has been dead since May of 1989. I would have been 15 at the time, just 3 years after he tried to contact me. I don't think my mom had even let me know by that time. The obit just said that he had died in his home so I'm thinking overdose.

It seems surreal that he has been dead for 21 years. He was only 38 when he died. Only 2 years older than I am now.

In his obit it mentioned his surviving family and in it I learned my Grandmother's name: Trinidad. I started looking her up and found another obituary. She died just this past May. She lived in the same town my maternal Grandfather lives in. We had my daughter's first birthday party there in April so I was in town one month before she died. It makes me sad to think of it. She was just across town while we were celebrating the birth of a great-granddaughter she didn't even know existed. A granddaughter of her deceased son. I wish I could have taken my daughter there and met her. She was 92 years old and living in a nursing home. I would very much have liked to meet her.

So it seems that the two people on my father's side that I was interested in meeting are dead.

I think I regret not meeting my grandmother more than my father just because I could have met her, whereas I didn't really have the option to meet my father since he died when I was so young.

It all just makes me feel so weird.
Current Location: home
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
natipooh: JaeMin Soulfightonatipooh on November 28th, 2010 06:04 am (UTC)
Hmmm... Where to start? I don't know what to say. This is a sad story. I guess we all want to know where we come from in order to walk more steadily towards the future..?
At least now you have found the missing pieces of this puzzle.
I'm an adopted child myself and even if your story has nothing to do with mine I can understand you completely.
I guess not knowing where I come from has affected me in bonding with others...

I didn't know you were 36. I think you are one of the few people around my age who are head over heels in love with TVXQ (I'm 37), just like me xD.

P.S:"Change of heart" still is in my top 3 JaeMin fics ♥
Benevolent Dictatoramouralamer on November 29th, 2010 08:20 am (UTC)
I feel bad that my paternal grandmother lived so close to my maternal grandfather and I never got a chance to meet her. The part that makes me the saddest is that she died one month after I had been there celebrating my daughter's first birthday. I wish I could have taken my daughter there to meet her.

On a happier note, its nice to meet people my age in the fandom! Until you told me you were 37 I thought it was pretty much just me and wedspawn. I am SO in love with each and every one of the five members and my family (who don't really know just how much I love them) think I am obsessed and crazy!XD If they only knew...

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it!♥